Our Infertility Journey

I can’t actually believe I am sitting down writing this. I have toyed with the idea of one day sharing our infertility journey, but never thought I would actually share. Every person’s journey is different and unique to them. This is our story.

Three years ago Camden and I made the decision that I would get off birth control, give my body time to heal and get ready to become pregnant when the time was right. What we thought would happen quickly, became months, and then years. After 2 years of negative pregnancy tests, ovulation monitoring and losing weight, we made the decision to seek help and see a fertility specialist in Germany. 

I left the appointment (as the clinic did not allow partners due to COVID) feeling hopeful and optimistic. Soon after, we learned that we have MFI (male factor infertility) and that we had less than 1% chance of becoming pregnant naturally. We were caught off guard, crushed, but still hopeful. After months of cycle monitoring via ultrasounds, blood tests and ruling out any other reproductive or hormonal problems, we got the clear to do our first IUI (intrauterine insemination). 

We were so, so hopeful. Nervous about what could happen, but so optimistic that it would work for us on the first try. It did not work. 

We spent the next few months packing up our house and moving back to the U.S., finding a new fertility doctor and continuing where we left off. We were optimistic about seeing a doctor that spoke English and that we could communicate without a language barrier. While we were so grateful for the fertility doctor we saw in Germany, the weight of not being able to communicate easily had worn on us more than we realized. We felt like we were just being told what to do, when to come back for the next appointment without being able to ask questions and really understand the “why.” behind what we were doing

After our initial appointment with our new doctor (it was also the first appointment since we started this journey that we were able to go together), we left feeling so hopeful and positive that he could get us pregnant, doing as many IUIs as it would take. What I forgot to mention that we lived an hour and 30 minutes from the doctor. I had monitoring at least once per week, sometimes twice. So it was a lot of driving by myself as my husband was at work. After 3 failed IUIs, we felt more discouraged than ever. A type of sadness began to sink in. A type of sadness so deep in our hearts that it was all consuming; the desire to become parents, grow our family and share the love that we have. It just felt like it was never going to happen. 

In January of 2021 we made the decision to start IVF. We were ready! Emotionally, physically and financially. Side note, and this is a whole other topic in and of itself, but why is IVF so expensive and why doesn’t insurance cover it? I digress…After more months of cycle monitoring, we finally began shots in mid-April. I was excited, but also nervous. I know doctors know what they are doing, but when you have so much invested, you want to be confident in the process. I was trying to protect myself and not get my hopes up. I kept telling myself that if it didn’t work, we would be okay. I am not going to go into detail on the protocol I was on because everyone is different and what I needed might not be what someone else needs. 

In mid-May I had my egg retrieval. In the days leading up to my retrieval, I was uncomfortable and bloated beyond belief. On the day of my retrieval my husband was able to come with me (as I could not drive home and he had to be there to deliver his contribution, if you know what I mean). I woke up from my procedure and to their surprise was able to walk out and leave shortly after. I did not have to stay for monitoring. I had 15 eggs retrieved. 

I feel like I have a pretty good pain tolerance, but the pain I felt that day and the days to follow were awful. If you don’t know me, I am a walker. I walk 5 miles a day, rain or shine, no matter what. On the morning of my retrieval, I only had time to get 3 miles in before hand, but I got them in. In the days that followed, I was only able to walk about a half mile. I laid on the couch and napped and watched movies, both activities that are very rare for me. 

Our doctor wanted to do a fresh transfer (versus a frozen one). We had our transfer scheduled for a Sunday, 5 days after my retrieval. I rested those 5 days, giving my body grace to heal and prepare to accept an embryo. The day of my retrieval, I started PIO shots (progesterone in oil). It is an intramuscular shot that goes into your bottom. Holy cow, are they painful! Not so much the shot itself, but the massive knot of oil it leaves in your bottom and the subsequent bruises. We ended up doing these shots for 57 days, so you can imagine how many bruises I had. After a while, my bottom started to go numb from all the shots. Don’t worry, it healed! Shout out to my husband, he is the most gentle shot giver. And my goodness, did he give me a lot of shots.

The day of our embryo transfer I remember being nervous but also at peace with where we were at. We had done everything we could. We learned that out of 15 eggs retrieved, 14 fertilized, 9 grew to day 5, we would transfer 1 and they were going to grow the rest to see how many made it to blastocysts before they froze them. Plot twist, only 2 more made it and were frozen. 

The actual embryo transfer was easy (except for having to have a very full bladder to the point where it was uncomfortable.) It’s crazy what infertility will do to you. I am no longer phased by having my legs in the stirrups, transvaginal ultrasounds or needles. 

We left the fertility clinic with the most adorable picture of our embryo and the greatest feeling of joy and excitement. 

The infamous two week wait is treacherous. It feels like the days last forever and time is at a stand still. I had two appointments in the two week wait. One half way through to check my progesterone levels which ended up being low and I had to increase my PIO shots. And the other being the HcG blood test to see if it was rising. 

You are advised to not take at home pregnancy tests, but that is easier said than done. A few nights before my egg retrieval, you take what’s called a “trigger shot” that tells your body to release the eggs. The trigger shot is an HcG based shot, so if you took a pregnancy test within a certain amount of time, it would be positive from the shot. Which is one of the reasons they advise you not to test at home. 

Well, that was impossible. I decided I was going to “test out” my trigger shot. So I took a pregnancy test every morning starting the day after my transfer. As my husband would say, it turned into a little hobby of mine!  To my astonishment, my tests never truly went negative, the lines got fainter and fainter, and then they started to get darker and darker. 

I will never forget the feeling of hope I had. My husband was in New York for a family graduation and I was trying so hard not to tell him as it was still 5 days before my official blood test. I finally couldn’t hold it in any longer. I called him, he was sitting in Laguardia airport and I told him that I thought it worked. He was so surprised and shocked. The next morning, I woke up early with excitement and took a test. I ran into our bed screaming with excitement that it was positive! We were giddy. Like the type of giddy that we could not keep in. It was the first time I had every had a positive pregnancy test. And let me tell you, it was very, very positive!

Our parents and my husband’s siblings knew we were doing IVF. We immediately FaceTimed them (let me remind you, it was maybe 6 am, we had not brushed our teeth, both still in pjs and I had pimple patches on my face from all the hormones racing through my body). The pure joy on our faces were contagious. It felt so good to be able to share our excitement with our parents and see their faces light up. I spent the next few days continuing to take pregnancy tests and basking in the positive lines.

A few days later, I finally had my HcG blood test and our doctor called us, congratulating us on our pregnancy. Even though we already knew, something about hearing it from your doctor made it feel more real. 

One week later, I went in for my first ultrasound at 5 weeks and 2 days. There it was on the ultrasound, a little sac. The cutest little sac I have ever seen. I got home and immediately put it on our refrigerator right next to the picture of our embryo. 

What I didn’t realize with IVF is that they monitor you every week during the first trimester. The joy in watching your baby embryo grow into a fetus and seeing how much changes week to week is the best feeling. 

We spent the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy being monitored weekly by our fertility clinic. The joy and excitement we felt every week watching our baby grow was all consuming. I tried my best to not think of all the negative things that could happen and tried to stay present and positive. I link to think I did a pretty good job.

I’ve never been more thankful for my husband, for his constant support and love and for science.

Science is pretty incredible. Without it, we would not be where we are today. Expecting our little miracle.